A Vote for Couples Therapy
As a therapist, I am very clear that I don’t work with couples. Couples therapists require extensive training in couples work, but also, it’s important that they feel stable in their own relationships too. That wasn’t always something I felt confident in.
My couples therapy journey started a while ago when my partner and I were “good.” Thanks to a recommendation from one of my husband’s friends, we signed up for a few sessions before our wedding. These sessions were eye-opening in highlighting ways that we are very similar, even though we thought we were different and were frustrated due to those differences.
For When You’re “Good”
More than a decade ago, when there was nothing “wrong” in our relationship per se, one of the conflicts we experienced in our relationship was that I got into bed wanting to chat and process my thoughts and experiences of the day. My husband, in contrast, got into bed wanting not to speak at all and just scroll or listen to podcasts. As you can imagine, we were both frustrated and didn’t feel like our needs were being met or that the other person was acknowledging those needs.
Our couples therapist pointed out something obvious that we were both blind to amidst our mutual feelings of resentment: we had the exact same need.
We both needed to wind down at the end of the day. But we had different ways of going about it.
When we found that common ground (with the help of our couples therapist - thanks Tim!), we not only felt less resentment, but we also felt more connected because we’re more similar than we thought. This nugget of insight helped us welcome more humor and appreciation into a heated moment that was happening every day.
For High-Stress Times
Fast forward through a wedding, having two babies, and many years of not having a couples therapist and being “good” again: a global pandemic happened. Much like nearly every single parent of young kids during Covid, my husband and I really struggled not only individually but relationally.
Our stress was HIGH and we had nowhere to put it but on each other. The resentment and frustration were intense, and we were growing increasingly more uncomfortable about how we interacted in front of our kids (read: not like understanding adults:)).
And while I knew my husband was open to couples therapy, given our few sessions before marriage, I wasn’t sure how he would respond to me suggesting it was time again.
When stress or struggle in the relationship is high, I encourage my friends and clients to weave how seeing a therapist could help them into conversations with their partners. Rather than issuing an ultimatum or coming at it from an angry place, focus on the potential you see and know is there in seeking support from a relationship expert.
In my situation, I said to my husband: “I want to be a model of partnership that our kids are proud of.” And, because I’m competitive (and I know he is too), I also shared that I want to be a model of partnership that our friends strive for. Why not be the MOST connected and healthiest partnership in the bunch?!
For A Tune-Up
If your computer isn’t working, or your car doesn’t start - what do you do? You get them fixed. You find someone who specializes in your computer and your car and you get support to get them functioning again.
If you are experiencing shoulder pain or your newborn is struggling with eating - what do you do? You find someone who can help you get out of pain and help your newborn eat.
So, WHY do we think our relationship with our partner/co-parent is ANY different?
Who are we to think that we should just be or stay seamlessly healthy in our relationships for the duration of our partnership!? I told my husband that we are too smart and have too much access to resources to be at each other’s throats and disgruntled most of the time. Who would we be if we knew there was support out there and it didn’t have to be this way, and we didn’t at least try it?
We would be irresponsible, uneducated humans and parents. I truly believe that.
Taking a step back to think logically helps us see that it’s kind of ridiculous to think our relationship would be issue-proof when there are so many changes and stressors thrown our way as we become parents and navigate parenthood.
For Continued Support
So not only do I hope this helps you get two votes for couples therapy in your own household, but I also hope that this helps us accept that seeing a couples therapist is not just a nice to have, it’s MUST have for all parents in order to thrive and be a healthy model for your kid(s).
Now that we’re in couples therapy and have been for the past three years, we are both completely on board with it being a vital part of our relationship AND family health. Not only does it help us appreciate and understand each other, but it also keeps us accountable for connecting and having conversations on the regular.
My Final Vote
A few final thoughts on my Vote for Couples Therapy:
A personal note to my husband, Seth - I am beyond proud and grateful for you and how you’ve shown up and continue to show up in our couples therapy journey. (Couples therapy helps you see sides of your partner that are hidden in the chaos and stress of daily life with kids!)
If you are struggling to talk with your partner about starting couples therapy - you are not alone. And if you have had a hard conversation with your own partner about seeing a couples therapist and are now in therapy, we’d love to hear from you on what helped to get on the same page!! Let us know so we can continue to open up this conversation for all parents and help couples thrive in parenthood.
Lastly, we have couples therapists (who are all parents!) available at PWG and I ask you - what do you have to lose? And more importantly, think about all that you have to gain!?