How Therapy Can Help in Fatherhood
Being a Dad has been an extremely rewarding experience. Additionally, it’s been one that has pushed me in terms of needing to take care of my needs in order to be ready to care for my family. Finding out what I may need and knowing how to communicate that has been an even greater challenge. I no longer have large chunks of time to think about what’s going on in life, what may have me feeling stressed at work, or what I may need to resolve an issue. I am too busy getting things done between work and family that at the end of the day (whenever that is), I sometimes just want to rest.
While there’s nothing wrong with resting, the question is “does it recharge you?” Turning off the mind through TV, substances, food or other things can give us an escape. A good meal can help you feel satisfied, a comedy series can make you laugh, and a drink can numb stress for a short period of time, but they do not keep you ready to coparent. That takes some work. It's often not as much work as you think and once you start, it’s easier to keep going. However, before you start on this work, I would say a few things.
Put on your oxygen mask first
In case of emergency on an aircraft, we all know that we are to put our own oxygen mask on first before helping someone else. Simple message. Being a support in your family is no different. However, unlike an airplane emergency, supporting your family requires you wearing your mask early and often.
Taking care of yourself is not selfish because it allows you to be there with and for other people. Referring back to my airplane analogy, the hope in terms of self care is that you find a way to put on your mask and keep wearing it.
Address Your Needs.
Think with me for a second on how children start to learn to communicate. They will start with small words or phrases like “Mumma” “Dadda”, “more” and so on. However their language is pretty limited. There were times when my now 2 year old would say “more”, but not know how to communicate specifically what it is they wanted more of. They have a need and I as their parent had to figure it out.
So, I would point to the rest of the banana I cut up and ask if they want more banana. “NO! more”. Ok, so it must not be the bananas. “How about eggs? You want more eggs?” And they would respond “No! More!” Making it 21 questions before I figured out they wanted the bagel I was eating that morning. It's always the bagel, should have guessed.
Sometimes, with our own needs, it’s like playing 21 questions until we find out what it is we actually need. Like a child, we get frustrated along the way. Even though the average adult knows thousands of words, it can still be tough in finding the right words of what we need. This is why therapy can help.
Understand Your Core Need
Therapy can help us communicate what is difficult to understand.Once we have an understanding of what the need is, then we are better able to meet that need. As a result, we are better able to be in relationship with others and navigate problems that can arise. Yes, there are a variety of helpful techniques that can be learned to manage stress and frustration, but unless you understand what is stressing you in the first place, you’re stuck in a loop.
Receive Support Without a Filter
Not having to worry about filtering everything you are saying in therapy allows you to see things more clearly. When you are talking with your partner, you may be filtering your truth to avoid an argument or for fear you’d be a burden. Therapy is meant to be a non judgmental space in which ALL of your thoughts/emotions can be talked about. When we hide any of our thoughts or emotions, we are missing out on important information and seeing the situation with clarity.
Find Ways to Communicate More Effectively
It’s not what you say, but how you say it. Imagine that you and your partner are both holding a ball that represents your relationship. You cannot take your hand off to point a finger at the other person or the ball will feel rocky. However, you also cannot just hold in something that is bothering you because it becomes tougher for you to carry the ball. The things you carry are like an emotional weight that adds up. For this analogy imagine that weight is five pounds. If you carry that weight for five minutes, five days or five hours that weight is still going to weigh five pounds. However, it is going to feel a lot different at those different times. Also, life does not always allow you to carry just five pounds at a time.
Therapy is a way to understand what makes up the weight that we carry, while also communicating to your partner in a way that reduces the risk of conflict. Maybe that weight is from a busy work schedule that you just need to let your partner know about in order to get support from them. Maybe that weight is from something your partner said and it could be lifted by having a conversation. No matter what it is, we all carry something in life. Therapy can help us to lessen the toll that weight can have on you, your relationship, and your family.
Wherever you are at in your parenting journey, know that there are places of support where you do not have to navigate this alone.
