How to Ask for Help After Baby
After a baby, it can be hard to know what you need and even harder to ask for it. History and cultures around the globe show us that raising babies can be the job of a community of people. Depending on where you live and your circumstances, who makes up that community will look different. This community are or will be the people you ask for help. This community can include partners, siblings, cousins, friends, neighbors, lactation consultants, therapists, doctors, sleep specialists, local parent groups and more. Some of these helpers are waiting to be asked. Some may be offering help but it’s not exactly the help you want. And others might not know that you are looking for help because they assume, since you haven’t asked, you don’t need it.
It is important to begin with this: you are doing a great job. Taking care of a baby is a really exhausting, around-the-clock job. I invite you to take this opportunity to sit down, take a deep breath and remind yourself of that.
Now, let’s get you some help!
Let’s start by day dreaming a little bit. What sounds essential to your well being right now? What sounds luxurious and nourishing to you right now? What sounds like a job you would love to have a break from doing?
Here are some things that I’ve wished for as a new parent: someone to hold my baby, someone to make food for me, someone to make the follow up doctor’s appointments, someone to plan out my meals and buy the food needed, someone to wash my sheets and remake my bed, a hug, a clean shirt, a clean house, someone to sit with me and talk all about how my life has changed, someone to sit with me and talk about everything except baby stuff, time to be alone, time to be outside and uninterrupted sleep.
So, what do you need?
It’s time to look for those helpers and put them to work. Have you had a neighbor say “let me know if we can do anything”? A friend offer to drop off a meal? An in-law inquire when they can come spend time with the baby? A partner ask you “how can I help?”? These are some of those helpers.
Other potential helpers might be anyone who visits, anyone you interact with out in the world (especially while carrying your baby and all of the baby’s heavy gear), anyone you talk with regularly and anyone you love and trust. You can also find help with a therapist who understands what you’re going through.
But even when we know who in our community could be a helper, it can be tricky to find the words (especially if we’ve been losing sleep!). Like any challenging skill, practicing is powerful. You might want to truly practice by speaking in front of a mirror or by typing into a blank document. Whatever you say, consider if you are making your need clear and adding in some appreciation.
To this friendly neighbor, we might reply “thank you so much! It has been challenging to get our trash barrels out on time on Wednesday mornings. Could you help us with that next week?”. To the generous friend, we might try “that would be amazing! We are really getting sick of pasta. Especially since I’m not eating dairy right now. Can you let me know when a good time is so I can take meal planning offn my schedule that day?”. To the in- law inquiring about a visit, you could say “Thursday afternoon would be a helpful time for a visit. We have a doctor’s appointment and it’s a lot of work to unload the car and get ready for dinner. Could you come around 4? I’d love to take a nap so when we settle inside, you can get lots of cuddle time while I sleep.” To the supportive partner, you might try “yes. Please do this ______. And I really appreciate the way you’ve been washing pump parts as soon as I finish pumping, please keep doing that!”
Raising babies is the job of a community which means, supporting your needs is the job of a community. But raising babies and supporting parents is also the joy of a community! It gives people purpose, meaning and connection. So when that helper says “thank you for reaching out” or “thank you for letting me hold your baby today”, you can try saying “you are welcome”.