3 Things I Wish I Knew Before Becoming a Dad
My name is Brian and I am a dad, a therapist, and wanna be home cook who has never met a pasta shape or a smoked meat I didn’t like. However, today I am writing about how being a father nowadays can take on many different forms and it can be difficult to know exactly “what to do”. What I can say is that there were more than a few things I felt like I had to “learn on the job”. In many ways those around me could not fully prepare me for how wonderful and chaotic this experience has been thus far. However, if I could go back to tell my self some tips I would emphasize three points:
1. Communication is key.
Communication allows us as humans to reach an understanding and it can help us potentially get to a resolution. When I became a father, I thought my wife and I had a good understanding of how to communicate with one another. What I had not realized was how much our communication was going to need to grow. As I reflect on those early days of fatherhood, I remember feeling the stress of communication. No longer was it just me and my wife talking alone on our couch on a random Tuesday after a nice HOT home cooked meal. It was talking with her as we tried to help each other get through being up for the third time that night to change the baby’s outfit they blew out and to get another feed in. When you are starting out as a parent there are a number of stressors you are trying to juggle.
You are trying to figure out the needs of your baby and adjusting to a whole new life with the baby, all while trying to maintain your work and social life. With children, that rollercoaster of “I think I got this” to “well that’s new” can be pretty rough. As of today, I can tell you that the rollercoaster does not really stop. What does happen is that you get better at being able to adapt with each new milestone or phase, and that your communication with your partner is what helps you to make these various transitions go as smooth as possible.
The goal of communication is often simple, to understand what you are doing and why we are doing it. Communication helps you as parents create a family unit that supports your child’s development. Children benefit greatly from having a solid foundation from which they can explore the world with curiosity, while trusting they have a supportive place to come back to. It can help them to process the things they learn and help them to navigate difficult choices in life.
I want to emphasize that you are not going to be “perfect” in parenting. I would actually encourage you to think about what English pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott discussed as being the “good enough” parent. The concept of being good enough was in essence to make sure that the child’s wellbeing was taken care of, while allowing them to be exposed to healthy level of frustration in life. When you model imperfection in life and work with your partner to creatively solve problems through communication, you model a healthy way to navigate the world. This can have a major effect on how they may approach life and future relationships.
2. The meaning and importance of time
Time is the one thing we do not get back in life. The best piece of advice I ever got was from my own therapist was that when you are a parent, you have to make time for all of the various elements of the family. You have to make time for four things: as a family unit, as a couple, with your child/children, and time for yourself.
As you add to your family, you may become more pressed for the amount of time you have to give to each of these areas, let alone work, pets, chores, extended family and friends. However, you have choice in how you navigate and negotiate this time by communicating with your partner.
As a team, you can figure out and adjust, as needed, the various areas to get the most out of your time. If you are spending any of your time, you want to make sure that it is worth it, which in turn deepens your satisfaction in life.
From a child development standpoint, “the importance of time” helps model healthy connections for children. Children are like a sponge. They pick up many things from the environment through the process of modeled behavior. When you make the effort to take time for the various elements of your family, kids get the message, “these connections are worth my time in life”. If there is one thing I truly believe as a therapist, and I emphasize with everyone I work with, is that deeper life connections lead to a greater satisfaction in life.
3. To give and receive support
Being a support for your partner and your children can play such a huge role in the family unit’s overall health and emotional well being. You are one of the first people that your child will have an attachment to. Like I said before, your child will learn how to navigate the world from you.
Part of this navigation is how we relate to others. Humans are meant to be social beings and we have to be able to trust one another. In essence, we need to be able to give and receive support and kids learn this through you modeling these behaviors.
Giving support as a father can at times be a tricky task. In the first year in particular, parenthood is an ever evolving situation that will require different needs to be met at different times. You also are a support to your partner who may need help physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. Navigating these changes and needs requires continued work on communicating with one another, which in turn helps you to figure out when and how you can best support to your partner. However, just as you support your partner, you are going to need your own support.
In order to be there with and for other people you have to make sure your needs are met. Not doing so not only puts you at risk of burnout in various areas of life (family responsibilities, work, etc.), but also puts your ability to support your family at risk. The role of the father today can mean many different things. When we as fathers feel like we are not able to fully meet our role we can criticize ourselves and can feel down. One study proposed that “Almost 14% of fathers experienced depressive symptoms within six months postpartum.” (Da Costa D, Danieli C, Abrahamowicz M, et al. 2019). Plainly said, that is over 1 in 10 dads.
I want to make it clear that just because you may experience depressive symptoms does not mean you have a mental health diagnosis. A diagnosis is a group of symptoms that make up a longer term experience that has been examined in collaboration with a clinical provider. These symptoms and your experience are carefully examined with a provider in order to determine the best course of treatment. What is important to know is that it is ok to get support from your partner, family, friends, or formal supports, like a therapist. Being a father has really pushed me to be purposeful in the three previously mentioned areas.
In many ways the role of the father continues to change over the years, which can lead to a lot of confusion. However, your partner and child really just need you to be the best version of yourself so you can be fully present with them. By continuing to focus on the three areas mentioned above you will be able to find what works for your family, deepening your connections as a family and supporting your child’s development.
References
1. Da Costa D, Danieli C, Abrahamowicz M, et al. A prospective study of postnatal depressive symptoms and associated risk factors in first-time fathers. Journal of Affective Disorders. 2019
