Helping Your Child Identify Negative Self-Talk

Have you ever heard your child say, “I’m so stupid”, “I’m just not good enough”, “I’m always last”, “no one ever wants to play with me”, “I’ll never make the team”…..these or similar messages are things we’ve heard ourselves or our children say at one point in our lives.

How do we respond when we hear our children speaking about themselves in a negative way?  How can we help flip the script from not just acknowledging the negative, but helping our children move through those moments with resilience and compassion. Sometimes our first reaction when hearing our children using negative self-talk is to respond with the opposite, “you’ve got so many wonderful qualities”, “you are not stupid, you are so smart”. Rather than minimizing what they are saying, try responding with a more realistic and curious approach.

1. Focus on the feeling, not the words.

Get curious about how your child is feeling. How would you feel if you were in their shoes? Is your child's view of themself directly connected to the outcome of the thing they are worried about? 

Let’s help them try to separate the problem from how they feel about themselves. For example: your child says “I’m never going to score a goal, what’s the point in playing” (THINK- have I ever really wanted to accomplish something and was unsure of the outcome? FEEL- how did I feel- worried, nervous, unsure, lack of self-confidence? DO- Name the worry- I can understand that you might be worried about how you are going to play in the game. Do you want to talk about it?

2. Talk about your own internal audio (positive & negative).

Let them know about a similar experience you’ve been in where you felt the same way. Talk with them about how that made you feel. Discuss how you moved through that emotion. Let them know that we all have uncomfortable feelings, and that some are much stronger than others. Recognizing and tolerating those feelings helps us understand that not the whole situation is scary or worrisome but just one part of it. This can make the feeling more manageable. 

3. Praise the effort not the outcome (growth mindset).

When you notice your child's effort rather than the outcome, this helps them focus on the specifics they are putting into their accomplishments. For instance- You can notice the way they’ve played in past games (be really specific). I noticed how you really focused on your teammates and where they were on the field so you knew who to pass to. I noticed how you took a really deep breath before you took that corner kick. I take a deep breath before I step into a situation I’m unsure of as well. 

4. Have frequent conversations around struggle and discomfort. 

Struggle, discomfort and even failure are things that humans endure on almost a daily basis. Talk with your kids about how hard you worked on a project that didn’t end up getting chosen. Talk with them about being so nervous before a big presentation, that you could feel your heart beating out of your chest, and your palms were sweating so much that you kept having to wipe them on your pants. Talk with them about a hard conversation you had to have with your boss or your employee where you could feel your face getting hot and turning red. The more we can normalize these ups and downs in our daily lives the more our kids can see that even as adults we have to deal with and tolerate uncomfortable moments as well. 

5. Practice The Three C’s - Catch, Check, Change. This is a CBT method of identifying and evaluating unhelpful and inaccurate thinking. You can do this as family at the dinner table or in the car or when you have a moment to check in about your day.

Model for your child(ren) the 3 C’s and then have them try:

• Catch. Were you able to catch yourself in negative self-talk today? What was the thought and what was the emotion that came with it? ( Ex. Never score a goal = self doubt- Feeling not words)

• Check. Was this thought completely true, completely false or somewhere in between? (I didn’t score a goal today = didn’t score a goal in that moment  Internal Audio)

• Change. See if they can change their thought to a more helpful one (If I keep shooting on goal, hopefully one will go in = Growth Mindset). If they can’t, see if they can help YOU change a thought.

Seek professional help if needed. If you feel this behavior is persistent and impacting your child on a day to day basis reach out to your PCP or look for a therapist or coach to help your child with the negative self-talk and support you as you care for your child.