How to Set WFH Boundaries with Kids
Whether you’ve been working from home as a parent for decades or just since COVID, the arrangement is full of rewards and challenges. Since transitioning to completely remote work in 2020, I deeply appreciate the time I save by not commuting outside my home and never having to choose shoes for my work outfit (my slippers go with all my leggings, ha). Yet, I long for the days when no adorable little people interrupted my flow and I listened to a podcast in my car alone while driving home.
Maximizing the rewards of working from home requires some thoughtful planning and boundary setting as parents. If we aren’t mindful, we can feel more like we are living at work rather than working where we live. Which becomes quite complicated with children.
Our children thrive when they have clear expectations and boundaries. Here are some ideas for how to think about setting those with our little ones.
Communication
With your children
Saying Goodbye as a transition. When you are always at home and coming in and out of the “living areas”, it can be wonderful to see your kids during the day. But the transitions can be hard and confusing for all. A consistent routine of saying goodbye when leaving for work makes it clear that you are no longer accessible. It could be a kiss and a hug, maybe a fun handshake or even saying something like “I’ll see you in 2 hours at dinner. Bye!”.
Rules about who can use/play in your work space. If your workspace is strictly for work, you children need to know that. If you use a multi use space, this will be more nuanced. It is best to keep this simple and direct to set expectations. Clearly defining what is okay and what is not okay, builds trust with your kids. In our house, my kids know that they can ask to use the printer in my office when I’m not working. They cannot use my desk or any of my other supplies. And they cannot come into my office at all if I am working. And when they have broken that expectation, I’ve tried my best to clearly reset the expectation. For very little kids, you’ll need to have other adults help hold this boundary.
With other adults
Letting other adults know your needs. Kids can be noisy, and a certain level may be fine during your work day, but sometimes you may need it to be quiet. You may need to directly ask the other adults in the home to support you by keeping things quieter or telling them in advance of an important meeting or presentation. In my house, the playroom is above my office. This may mean coloring or barbies are fine when I’m working but I’ve asked our caregivers not to pull out the karaoke machine or the tumble track (anymore). Sometimes I’ve asked caregivers to get the kids outside, take them on an adventure or said no to playdates that I know will lead to a lot of noise.
Letting other adults know what to expect from you. Being clear with other adults about whether you’ll want to engage when you take a break from your office is important. Maybe you want updates on the last feeding for your baby. Maybe you do not want to hear cute stories about the day until you are done. It can be overwhelming to step in and out of the parenting hat all day long because of your close proximity. This boundary helps me stay accountable because I am often tempted to ask a lot of questions about the kids whenever I have a chance. Sometimes I’ll let our caregivers know that I have a lot going on at work and I’ll be keeping my headphones in when I pop up to use the bathroom or make lunch. This helps me to not feel rude and also honor my work identity.
Physical Boundaries
A closed door. There’s nothing more simple or clear than a closed door. This makes it easy to communicate that work is being done!
Nonverbal signals. If you don’t have a door to close, you can practice some clear non verbals with your kids. Holding your hand up to signal stop, can let them know that they cannot approach. Holding up 1 finger can let them know you’ll be ready in a minute. Older kids will likely love coming up with these!
A sign. Use a visual sign to alert your family that you are working. Maybe that’s hung on the door knob, on the back of your chair or even in a common space away from your workplace. A sign lets everyone in your house see the status of your work day. Maybe it could be a red stop-sign or a picture of you at your desk that says “mom/dad is working”. There’s a traffic light sign that changes colors from red, yellow or green has been a huge hit for a lot of parents.
Noise canceling headphones. Whether you’re using the headphones for calls or just to get in the working zone, focus is easier to come by when you don’t have excess noises from happy or not-so-happy kids.
Planning
For Myself
Mapping out my plan. I try to look at my calendar each week like a puzzle to see what work I’ll be doing and when each person in my family will be home. As a clinician, much of my work time is client facing. There are certain needs I have from my family during that time, including total privacy. But I may have different needs for non client facing work.
Protecting my workflow. This could be as simple as wearing headphones when I come up to make lunch/use the bathroom (if I can’t keep myself from chatting with the caregivers). It also might mean adding buffers to my childcare so I have time to transition or take on last minute tasks.
Transitioning back to home life. When possible, I try not to rush right out of my office when the day is done unless I have to. I might set a timer for 10 minutes to tune inward or return some personal messages I missed through the day. I just added a couch to my office and my daughter suggested I watch a TV show during my work day. Maybe I’ll add that to my “commute” one of these days :)
Protecting personal and family time. When I leave my office, I try to leave work behind. This usually means setting up time when my email notifications are turned off. It also means time when my phone is stored away in a drawer and I can’t be disturbed.
Getting clear on when I’m available to help with household tasks. If I pause and check in, I can usually find clarity about when and how much or little I will integrate household tasks into my work day. For example, I might put my cup in the dishwasher but maybe I commit to not doing a full sink of dishes until I finish my work day. Maybe it makes sense to spend an open 20 minutes to put laundry away. When I worked outside of the house, I might have used that 20 minutes for a walk, so when I need a walk, I try to honor that too. Just because we work from home, doesn’t mean we have to arrange our day to overlap with household needs all day long, if at all.
Optimizing Working From Home
After 4 years working from home, I’ve learned through lots of trial, error and various parenting stages, that it’s possible to make the most of working from home. It hasn’t always felt smooth, but as I sit here writing this post, I have ten minutes of unscheduled time and I can hear my five-year-old crying upstairs. She’s perfectly safe and a loving caregiver will tend to her but, I can feel myself tempted to go check in on her. A few deep breaths and popping my headphones in feels right today. If I were at an office, I wouldn’t be navigating this particular conflict. With clarity in my role in this moment and the boundaries I have set with her, I feel confident that I can continue working. I’ll see her for bedtime when I finish up and climb the basement stairs for my evening “commute”.
If you feel like your stress and balance at home isn’t working and you want to find space for yourself, consider a free consult to talk with one of our therapists! Making time for you is critical and enables you to give all that you do.