Matching the Size of the Reaction to the Size of the Problem in Parenting

I’d like to start off by saying please be compassionate with yourself and with your “in-the-moment” problem solving skills, because sometimes, maybe more than we’d like to admit, our own reactions are larger than we expected them to be.

When your child has a giant reaction to something seemingly small, do you ever find yourself thinking, “what is the big deal”? Do you ever think, “why can’t they handle this?”. For some children and adolescents, these larger than life reactions can be because they aren’t sure what to do with the information or situation they have just encountered and they are having trouble self-regulating. 

There are many different approaches to teach about “size of the problem”/“size of the reaction”. There's, “Little problem, Big problem”, “ Pebble, Rock, Boulder problems”, “Green,Yellow, Red”  problems, you get the picture. These approaches all teach skills to increase children’s self-awareness and emotional literacy as well as work on self-regulation skills. Teaching our children to understand that problems and emotions come in all shapes and sizes is an important piece to helping them start to recognize when their reaction to a problem doesn't match up.

Three Kinds of Problems

1. Small problems, pebble problems, green problems. These are problems your child can fix on their own, spend a small amount of time figuring out or ignoring all together. 

Example: Child didn’t get chosen to go first, ran out of favorite ice cream, got bumped into accidentally 

Expected reaction. A little bit of an emotional response, annoyed, sad or frustrated. Should be able to recover without incident.

Unexpected reaction. A big emotional reaction, screaming, kicking, throwing, crying, blaming,etc

2. Medium problems, rock problems, yellow problems. These are problems that take a bit more time to figure out, may weigh your child down if not dealt with, they may need to ask for assistance from a peer or adult and these are problems that should not be ignored.

Example: Having a hard time understanding homework, friend(s) is ignoring them and they don’t know why, missed the bus, etc

Expected reaction. Coping skills kick in, annoyed, frustrated, worry, try to problem solve on their own, ask adult for help.

Unexpected reaction. Shut down, run and hide, tantrum, hit,etc

3. Large problems, boulder problems, red problems. These are problems that require more immediate adult assistance and are too big for a child to handle on their own and take time to figure out. 

Example: medical emergency,  loss of a loved one, sudden move,etc

Expected reaction. Child finds an adult to speak with, has a big emotional reaction, understands it will take time to solve or recover.

Unexpected reaction: Child does not seek help, isolates, shuts down.

Different Parent Reactions

With Younger Kids

If you have a child who is 3 years old or younger, they most likely have not developed the skills to recognize their responses to problems yet. As a parent, this is where your co-regulating skills come in and you can help model a response. 

What does this look like?  

• 2 or 3-year-old wants to put on their (insert article of clothing). They’ve tried a few times and just can’t get it. They yell, scream, throw, fall on the floor (insert what your kid does here)

• You are either right there with them or watching from the side and trying to help. 

• They don’t want your help. 

• You are in a rush because (insert thing here)

Parent REACTION can often look like:  

Impulsive, Immediate, driven by emotion -(stressed/annoyed voice) UGH! Let me do it! We are so late! Let’s GO!

Parent RESPONSE can look like: After a very quick check-in with yourself, deep breath, name the obvious to yourself (they are two, they are frustrated, they are learning. I am (insert age) I am frustrated, I am learning.)

Thoughtful, timely, guided by emotion - (playful/calm voice) UGH! That boot just won't go on, will it. These boots can be so tricky, how frustrating! This is where your co-regulation comes in. Sit near them (if you can on the floor) and model a calm presence (even if you are not feeling that way). “Let’s see if we can figure this boot thing out together”. Model deep breathing, relaxed posture. 

With Older Kids

For children who are out of toddlerhood and developing into childhood and adolescence we can start with bringing light to our own mistakes and problems. Ex. AHH! I just spilled my breakfast on my pants and I am going to be late to work. How frustrating, this is stressing me out. Take a deep breath, I am going to quickly change my pants and pack a quick breakfast to go. Child sees you, name and identify a problem, name and identify an emotional response, and problem solve a quick solution. 

Narrating your small, medium and large problems out loud will help normalize that everyone encounters and navigates problems on a daily basis. Naming the size of your problem and how you are going to work through it can help your child figure out how big their reaction should be when they inevitably encounter a problem of their own. You can help them in the moment if you feel they are in a receptive state and able receive feedback or you can help them once they’ve calmed down and you bring it up at another time during the day.

“Hey, remember when you couldn’t find your shoe this morning and you were really upset. That was a bigger reaction than I expected. I am happy to help you to solve small problems like that if you’d like….

Catching your child in the moment when they are matching their reaction to a problem will also help reinforce their self-awareness and self-regulation skills. “Wow, I noticed that your paper ripped while you were coloring and you colored around it and made a great piece of art” ,“that was great problem solving”. “Hey, I heard you lose that video game, I know that can be frustrating, I saw you being flexible with your brother, I am proud of you for trying again instead of storming off”. These moments, as small as they may seem, are perfect for reflecting on with your child. If you are comfortable, you can start using some of the “small, medium, big” language mentioned above to help your child gauge their reaction by inserting “size of the problem/size of the reaction" into your conversations.

Last but not least, if you take anything away from this post, please remember that parenting imperfectly and with curiosity allows your children to see that we are all learning and growing at every stage of life and that sometimes adults have big reactions to little problems too. So let them see you deal with problems (self-regulation), name your emotions (increase their emotional literacy) and help problem-solve along with you (increase self-awareness).  

If you are looking for help working through problems and their reactions, request a parent coaching consult with me, and I’d be happy to work with you!