How Doing Less Helped My Mental Health
In the age of information, we are surrounded by and inundated with countless facts, ideas, opinions and statistics. For many of us who are inclined toward personal growth, myself included, it can feel like there’s always MORE we need to be doing. And if you’re anything like me, it’s the doing more that’s hurting us.
When Everything Feels Like Too Much
I spent a lot of years in motherhood (I’ve been a parent now for almost a decade), which felt truly like a hamster wheel. Not so much the busyness of being busy kind of hamster wheel, but an information overload, opinion overload, and what-is-the-right-way-to-do-all-of-this overload. The irony of it all being that so many of those decisions and opinions had very little to do with my actual RELATIONSHIP to my child or myself. It was almost always a “well, this is what parents SHOULD do.”
Being put in the position of key decision maker in your own life plus the lives of your children and your family unit upon the birth of a child doesn’t come all at once - but it comes fast and furiously like a series of waves in a stormy sea. Once I figure one thing out, another new phase or problem or challenge or decision will arise when I’m still just catching my breath from the wave before it – and oftentimes, before I am even through the first.
The Midlife Crisis of the Millennial Mother
Coincidentally, this article from the New York Times touches on a lot of this for Millennial Mothers. We are the first mothers truly engrossed in the world of social media before, during and after becoming parents. There’s a rise in voices in the parenting space, a rise in beautiful concepts like positive and gentle parenting, a rise in statistics and data around just about everything, and thus, a rise in the onslaught of information we are carrying every day and a rise in the pressure to do all of those things that are seemingly “right” and “good” for ourselves and our kids.
It is in my nature and the nature of many women and mothers in particular to do MORE to help ourselves. I read the books. I listen to the podcasts. I read the studies. I go to therapy. I take care of my health. I meditate. I meal plan to ensure I’m nourishing and fueling my brain and body. I exercise to feel strong for myself and my kids. I make chore charts to attempt to offload the household tasks just to feel shame when I forget to follow through. I do nervous system work with the ultimate end goal of being able to keep my cool when I ask for the 29th time if my children have gotten their shoes on yet. But in all the doing comes the added toll of, you guessed it, doing too much!
Is it Self-Care or Self-Harm?
There is a fine line between wallowing in the stressors of life vs. taking action to change your perspective and situation. I believe wholeheartedly that working on ourselves is the most important tool in becoming a more peaceful human being and parent. I also want to give you and me permission to listen to your body – and it may be telling (or screaming at) you to do less.
When the house is a mess and all you want to do is clean it to feel lighter and brighter, what if you rest instead?
When we have to leave for school by a certain time and nobody has their shoes on, what if you just stay calm and bring them in a few minutes late?
When it’s time to potty train your toddler and they aren’t following the specific plan of the specific method you were told is the “right way”, what if you stopped and tried again in a week or a month?
When a family member has an opinion about the way your child is behaving or you’re parenting, what if you just trusted yourself and kept loving your child and yourself just as you are?
When you plan a date night with your partner to a fancy restaurant but all you want to do is relax in sweats, what if you canceled dinner and went for a walk to a coffee shop or library?
When you sign up for an intense workout but you’re really craving an outdoor walk, what if you rescheduled?
For Now…
For me, there’s a false permanence to all the choices and decisions and habits I accrue. I fear that if I start taking “the easy way out” one time, I’m going to do it forever. Oftentimes, that doesn’t align with my personal or parenting goals and it’s often not a financially sound decision either. Through my work in therapy and life, something that always helps me from a doom spiral of “things can’t always be this way” is adding “just for now.”
Some examples of my “for now” mantra includes:
For now, I get meal delivery every few weeks
For now, I only read easy, romance novels
For now, I let the kids get pizza from the pizza truck after practice one night a week
For now, I do a meditation every afternoon and I might be so tired that I take a nap
For now, I disabled social media on my phone
For now, I don’t do intense cardio
For now, I stop asking my kids to go to bed after 8:30pm as long as they’re in their rooms
For now, I let the kids watch TV once they are dressed for school
For now, I might let my child skip practice just because my husband is away
For now, I will give my kids $1 for cleaning their room
Doing Less is Possible
What if all of it could be easy? Is this possible? What if instead of saying, “How am I supposed to do this”, we ask ourselves “What’s the easiest way to do this?”. Our lives go through so many ebbs and flows so I encourage you to try and turn down the noise of the “shoulds” and truly ask yourself: “What is best for me, FOR NOW?”
There are few different means of support to help you get here if this doesn’t feel like something in reach right now. First, consult a therapist to help you get in tune with your inner workings. Having someone who can objectively look at our behaviors and deep-seeded beliefs without judgment can be incredibly empowering. Second, consider working toward this ease within a community like Flourish, a resource launching with our founder, Sarah Harmon over at The School of Mom on June 3rd. Flourish is designed for mothers who want to become their happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.
You’ve got this.
