How to Set Boundaries After Baby
When you welcome a baby into the world, there are so many variables at play that finding ways to streamline decisions and protect your energy is key. Growing your family brings so much joy for so many, but it is not without challenges, particularly when it comes to relationships. And we’re talking all kinds.
From the relationship we have with our spouse to our in-laws to our neighbors and our own extended families, it’s common for relationships to change once a baby is added to the mix. There are more people around (in many cases) wanting to see the baby or hopefully even help out, and while this is all wonderful, it doesn’t mean that we can’t and shouldn’t be clear about what’s truly helpful to us. All forms of help, advice, opinions, and visits are not created equally, and with the right boundaries, it’s possible to make these interactions more positive than not.
Setting boundaries is an essential tool for all parents to have regardless of where you are in your family journey. Boundaries enable you to define what matters to you, save you from unnecessary resentment, protect your energy, relieve you of undue stress, and while not easy, maintain and strengthen positive relationships in your lives.
Who to Set Boundaries With?
Visitors. Create boundaries about when people can visit the baby: picking a time when you need to take a shower, go for a walk, or take a nap. Be clear with family/friends what will happen when they visit, for example: “I know how excited you are to come over and visit the baby! What would really help me out is if you could give the baby a bottle while I shower and take a short nap.”
Pro-tip: send a text before the person comes to visit, they know your expectation and you don’t have to worry about asking once they get there and compromise what you really need
Caretakers. Think about what your boundaries are with who is taking care of your baby. This could be explaining the sleep schedule and the expectations you have for when the baby sleeps - you can explain the impact on you if the baby doesn’t follow the sleep schedule. (For example, my nanny would sometimes miss the nap by a half hour and I never enforced this boundary with her and then would be annoyed at her.)
Family. In this instance, family could also come in the form of visitors and caretakers, but as we all know, it also isn’t always the same. While you may love your family and love attending family events, sometimes, the needs of your own family don’t fit with a 7pm party for your grandfather or with a drop in visits at all hours. You can use the phrase: “We would love to come to grandpa’s birthday, but we will need to leave at 8pm” or “We’d love to see you on Sunday. Can you come between 11-1?” Be clear and kind.
How to Maintain Your Boundaries?
Create a motto. “What’s good for me is good for my baby and family.” A family motto is a great way to be clear about how you will handle various decisions, disruptions and opinions. Think about creating a motto with your partner, so when in doubt, you can go back to the motto.
Say no: Mom guilt is real! And it’s also real when the family wants to see your baby, especially if the baby is the first grandchild. You often feel as though you need to say yes to every request. The truth is you can say no AND don’t have to give an explanation. “No, that doesn’t work for us today.”
Talk to your people: The family and friends who you respect and trust most will 100% understand your boundaries. They are also likely trying to set them with the people in their lives, too. So maybe on a walk with another Mom friend, talk about setting boundaries and normalize that it’s something we all have to do. Talking about it will make you feel validated and understood and help you have strength when it’s hard to set them with that one family member who doesn’t respect anyone’s boundaries
Finally, here’s the truth about boundaries. Boundaries are necessary and good. It’s also true that many of us were not taught or encouraged to have them! This can be difficult for friends and family to handle. The hardest part is the other person’s reaction to your boundary. And you don’t have to take that feeling on. I tell clients, imagine putting your hands behind your back and refusing to ‘hold’ the other person’s feelings. The feelings are theirs, do not hold them, carry them, or take them on - they belong to the other person. Your boundaries are for YOU.
If you feel like you’d benefit from direct support in setting boundaries, book a consult with one of our clinicians.